Radio Log
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Who you gonna call? January 30th 2016, 7:25 am
"Good evening, dear listeners! I'm coming to you live tonight from the bathroom of lovely local ghost hunter Ariel Caliban. I hope you don't mind that I opted to conduct this interview by means of sink faucet, Ms. Caliban. Bathrooms have better acoustics, you see.
So, how are you doing tonight, Ms. Caliban? I hope I find you in good 'spirits'?"
Ariel couldn't resist the giggle that the Voice's joke elicited from her.
"Ehehe... I'm doing great, thank you and thanks for having me on your show. It's been a hectic couple of weeks putting everything together for our grand opening, but we're finally getting settled in and I'm very optimistic about our future. How are you?"
"I'm well-fed on coffee and gossip and feeling quite content, thank you for asking. So, what made you want to get into the ghost-hunting business? It's bound to be a challenging line of work, especially in a city as supernaturally active as New Versailles."
"Heh, well, I guess you could say I have a natural inclination towards the supernatural. I've always been sensitive to the paranormal, and I realized that rather than spending my life sitting behind some desk, I'd much rather be out there doing something that interests me.
"I've heard about how supernaturally active New Versailles is. I've only lived here for a few weeks, but so far it's living up to its legend!"
"I'm sure it is! You'll undoubtedly find plenty of things to interest you in New Versailles - assuming you manage to survive the experience of living here. So, what sorts of creatures have you encountered so far? Have you conducted any successful exorcisms yet?"
"I hope so! I'm really excited to like, explore the city more and make some more friends and check out the scene. Hmm... well so far we've encountered a few ghosts and a demonic spirit too, along with a handful of sprites. I'm proud to say that we've successfully exorcised all of the entities we've been hired to so far. In addition to getting to know this city better, I'm also really excited to familiarize myself with the local spirit life as well. There's a whole ecosystem of ghosts, phantoms, demons, sprites and spirits everywhere you go, and part of what makes a good paranormal investigator is establishing relationships not just with the spirits you're planning to exorcise but also with those good spirits as well. We consider it our mission to serve as intermediaries between the physical and the metaphysical and to help ensure a positive outcome in those encounters."
"A hunter, a scholar, and a custodian of the local spiritual ecosystem! You're a woman of many talents, Ms. Caliban. As a person who may or may not be in possession of a physical form, I can appreciate your respect for non-corporeal forms of life. So, I hear you've recently acquired a ghost-hunting partner. Tell us about this new friend of yours."
"Oh, Pennie! She's great! She's a professional vlogger and a huuuge fan of all things paranormal. She's been my greatest asset to getting my name out there and just documenting all of our experiences. She's got a pet rat named Miss Cleo who comes with us on all of our jobs as well, she's so stinkin' cute!"
How charming! I'm sure some of our listeners are already familiar with Ms. Pennie's work - for those of you who aren't, check our facebook for a link to her youtube channel!
Anyway, back to the subject of ghosts. I won't ask you to give away any trade secrets, of course, but do you have any professional advice for any of our listeners who might be dealing with ghost-related problems? What sorts of steps can a layman take to protect themselves from the things that go bump in the night?
"I think that the most important thing to remember when dealing with spiritual entities is that these things, whether they're the souls of deceased people or sprites or demons, they're all their own individual beings. They've got thoughts and memories and hopes and dreams and desires, and more often than not, where conflict arises is when we fail to understand one another."
Sound advice, Ms. Caliban. We should all endeavor to be more understanding towards our fellow citizens, regardless of their level of corporeality. After all, a consciousness is a consciousness, whether it's inhabiting a meat suit or freely wandering the mortal plane. Or bound eternally to a radio recording studio.
So, is there anything else you'd like to say to the good people of New Versailles before we wrap this interview up, Ms. Caliban?
"I'd just like to say thank you once again for giving us a chance to tell our story and to all of the citizens of New Versailles who've put their trust in us so far and used our services. To anyone out there who may be suffering from a supernatural infestation, please know that The Spirit Detective is available twenty-four hours a day to help you or your loved one out!"
It was my pleasure, Ms. Caliban. Once again, listeners, if there's something strange in your neighborhood, the number to call is 555-7778!
I take you now, dear listeners, to the weather.
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Radio Broadcast 1/27/2016 January 27th 2016, 11:14 am
Radio Broadcast 1/27/2016
"...friendly reminder: 00.5 VoV is available in telepathy format for the hearing impaired.
Good afternoon, listeners, and welcome to back to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. It's a busy month for the community calendar, folks, so let's dive right in!
Speaking of diving, the first event on our agenda is the Polar Bear Plunge, a fundraising event hosted by local band Ferry 'Cross the Mersey. Winter not cold enough for you? Do you laugh in the face of frostbite and hypothermia? Do you like punk rock and/or possess mild masochistic tendencies? If any of these things apply to you, get on down to the Creepy Crawl tonight at 7:00 PM and consign yourself to the river's icy embrace! Join the band members as they suffer for their art!
Or, if you're the kind of person who prefers making other people suffer, why not join us for a night of good old-fashioned violence at Fisticuffs? Biweekly Fight Nights are still being hosted down at the docks, with the next fight taking place tomorrow night at 4:00 PM. Mundanes and supernaturals alike are invited to compete for cash prizes and the satisfaction of crushing their opponents. Stave off the winter chill by bathing yourself in warm blood, tears, and other miscellaneous fluids!
Get ready to drop those glamours and/or dig out those Halloween costumes, folks, because the Festival of Freaks, our city's very own magical mardi gras, is coming up on February 3rd! The freakish festivities will include a parade, live entertainment and performances by local artists such as Ameline Dubois, and a mysterious special event! Nominations for the King or Queen of the festival are still being accepted!
Next up on the calendar is the Community Cleanup event on February 4th, hosted by the NVPD and Community Outreach Program. Whether you're an upstanding citizen, a troublemaker who needs more community service hours, or just the kind of person who enjoys being knee-deep in filth, New Versailles needs you to volunteer! Come help deal with the the aftermath of the previous day's festivities, and spend the day cleaning up grafitti, litter, and copious amounts of vomit for the good of the city!
The season of love is almost upon us, listeners, and it appears that some members of our community have taken it upon themselves to remind us that Love Bites. On February 14th, single citizens of the supernatural persuasion are invited to come satisfy their thirst with free drinks and speed-dating at Morrisey's, followed by rounds of Cards Against Humanity, Truth, Dare, or Strip, Kinky Dice downstairs in The Silver Sight. Come engage in the age-old pastime of distracting yourself from the futility of existence by forging brief and ultimately meaningless connections with the people around you! There will be free food, folks!
And now for our daily reminder that we are still seeking prospective interns for our station internship program! No need to apply - if you're meant to be an intern, you'll know. Do not be alarmed when the hooded figures surround your place of residence, chanting "This one is next! This one is next!" This is a standard part of the hiring process.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. As always, don't hesitate to get in contact if you have anything to share. Your gossip sustains me.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for ten hours of seasonally inappropriate music." -
Radio Broadcast 1/14/2016 January 14th 2016, 10:18 am
Radio Broadcast 1/14/2016
"...have you considered taking up beekeeping? No? It's too late. You have been chosen. The bees are coming for you.
Good evening, listeners, and welcome to back to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. This week's forecast calls for ever-increasing amounts of cold and darkness, with a 40% chance of existential despair. This month's full moon - and, of course, the accompanying werewolf fights in The Pit - will be occurring on the 24th. Plan your schedules accordingly!
And now for our daily reminder that we are still seeking applicants for our station internship program! If you have nerves of steel, a strong sense of journalistic integrity, and are desperate enough to accept minimum wage as payment for exposing yourself to the horrors of the radio industry, then we need YOU to join us here at 00.5 VoV! If interested, please email us a video recording of you explaining your credentials via pantomime. Interpretive dance is also acceptable.
Something strange in your neighborhood? Need to call someone? Screaming into the void insufficient? Then get in contact with The Spirit Detective, our city's newly-established provider of exorcism and parapsychology services. For a small fee, Ms. Caliban will be happy to serve a strongly-worded eviction notice to any unwanted spirits, demons, or poltergeists haunting your home and/or lair.
Speaking of demonic activity, we've just received word of an incident that occurred in Riverview Apartments, resulting in minor property damage. It appears there was an altercation between local ne'er-do-well Beau and an unidentified young man and dog, who were later spotted fleeing the scene. When approached for comment, this is what Beau had to say:
"Ṇ͉͚̖͚͉̽̋̈ͨỎ͎ͪ̂̃B͕͈͚̈́͗͐O̙̯͖͋̍D̖̻̤̖̪ͮ͆ͮͭ̚Y̪̜̼̤ ̝̣͓͙̹̫̼͒̑̎ͯ̒̒̊T̙̪ͨͮ̐̆ͧͪ̚H̪̯̝̜̺̉ͭR̘͊ͫ̈́̇ͯ̋ͩO̿ͧW̮̠̯̹͖̠ͭ͐͐̊S̜̫ ̟̙̤̜͔͛S͎̙ͮ́͐̈́͆A̮L͕͕̲̘̽̀ͯ͊ͤ̊̃T̯̙̟̟̬̯̖̒͒͂͊͒ ̪̥̼̼̺͑̅͛̈ͥ̓̅I̲̻͙͎͒̃N̠͎̹̗̪̹̻ͨ̒̇ͧ ̯̩̗͎͕̥̐̈͂͆M̭̬̦͓͚̹̖̌̅Y̺̙͈̬͊͂ͩ ͍̦͈͗͒͆ͫF̦͚͖̄̓A͖͉̪ͮ̓̓ͩ̄ͫCEͬ̓̇̉.̭̄̍̆ͥ͂̌̚"
I wonder if that means this incident qualifies as...assalt and battery? Eh? Eh?
On a somehwat lighter note, I've been asked to air a personal ad for lovely local Danalise, who's looking for an individual of the masculine persuasion to sweep her off her feet. She's a lady of many charming qualities, including starry eyes, a natural nympthetic aura, and hardly any thirst for blood - a rare quality in our dear city's supernatural population! (Please note that this claim has not been evaluated by a professional cryptozoologist. 00.5 VoV is not responsible for any loss of life or limb that may occur as a result of pursuing a relationship with any kind of supernatural being.)
And now, a word from our sponsor:
[a solid minute of screaming]
Welcome back, dear listeners. A very dear listener has just informed me that a talented woodcarver has taken up residence in the bayou outside New Versailles. He has placed several carved wooden figures on display in front of his property. He also plays guitar! A new tourist attraction, perhaps? In probably-unrelated news, there's been a recent uptick in mysterious disappearances in that exact same area of the swamp. ...eh, it's probably nothing. Go look at the statues, folks!
And speaking of tourist traps, a new shop just opened in Downtown's tourism district! Need an inside scoop on the future? Want to have a chat with your ancestors? Want to strengthen your connection to the mystical energies of the universe by spending your hard-earned cash on overpriced knick-knacks? Then go check out the Cabinet of Curiosities! It's not a scam! Probably!
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. If you would like to contribute to the betterment of our community through gossip, feel free to give us a call, shoot us an email, or simply whisper your secrets directly into your radio. We're always listening.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for this exact same broadcast, translated into Morse code." -
Radio Broadcast 1/2/2016 January 2nd 2016, 7:49 pm
Radio Broadcast 1/2/2016
"...did you miss me?
Good evening, listeners, and happy new year from all of us here at 00.5 VoV! We would like to take a moment to congratulate all of our dear listeners on another year of survival - or, for those of the undead persuasion, another year of aching, interminable existence. Regardless of how firmly attached your mortal coil may be, we wish you all the best as Father Time drags you kicking and screaming into a new year of horror and hardship. May your physical forms remain full to the brim with mortal blood and flesh, whether it be your own or that of your victims.
Speaking of horror and hardship, it's time for our daily reminder that, as per usual, we are still seeking new suckers- excuse me, applicants - for our station internship program! Do you like sticking your nose into other peoples' business? Are you eager to risk life and limb in search of information that you have no right to have? Do you want to sink your teeth deep into our dear city's grimy underbelly and gorge yourself on warm, dripping secrets? Then submit yourself to our judgement by leaning in close to your radio and whispering a secret you've never told anyone. Don't worry, we have a strict confidentiality agreement with all of our applicants. Probably.
In other news, we've received word of a recent double homicide that occurred in the wilderness outside New Versailles. At least, we're assuming it was a homicide; it's somewhat difficult to confirm the exact nature of the disappearances, as the bodies appear to have been entirely consumed. As always, we advise our more outdoorsy listeners to exercise great caution with any camping, hiking, or hunting trips they might be planning. Perhaps consider taking up a safer hobby, like knitting.
We would also like to take a moment to remind our listeners of the people-eating persuasion that, as per usual, competition for victims in rural areas will only increase as hunting season draws to a close and the weather becomes less conducive to outdoor activities. You may wish to redirect your efforts towards the city's homeless population, if you don't mind the smell.
And for those of you who are unwilling or unable to hunt for themselves, here's a friendly reminder that The Chop Shop remains our city's foremost supplier of 'exotic meats' for those with unusual dietary requirements. Delivery is available for those who are feeling especially lazy. Treat yourself! You deserve it! (Note: we advise that you do not attempt to eat the delivery person.)
Next up- oho, cover your ears, underage listeners! If you're suffering from a...more metaphorical hunger for flesh, there's someone new walking the streets of New Versailles, so to speak, and he's eager to offer his services to anyone in need. If you want to celebrate the new year beginning with a happy ending, contact Murphy - and don't forget to use protection!
In other news, we're receiving reports of a recent uptick in spatial disturbances and unusual weather patterns within the city. We still haven't ascertained the source of these strange phenomena, but Station Management says all the teleporting is making its tentacles itch. Mysterious!
And speaking of tentacles, we've just received a report of an an unidentified person summoning an eldritch creature of some description down by the docks. Don't try this at home, kids! Attempting to commune the elder gods is extremely dangerous, and should only be attempted by experienced practitioners of the dark arts and/or certified radio hosts.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. If you have any stories to share, don't hesitate to get in contact. The gossip beast must be fed.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for the sensation of the crushing weight of the upcoming year slowly descending upon you." -
miss sugar pink liquor liquor lips November 19th 2015, 10:56 am
(OOC Note: VoV is still on hiatus. This will be the last interview I post for a while.)
"It's that special time again, listeners! That's right - I've run out of murders and mayhem to report, which means it's time for me to pick a citizen at random and dig deep into their personal business for your amusement. Tonight's lovely guest is our city's very own pink Tinkerbell, a woman as charming as her hair is vibrant: let's all put our hands, paws, and/or tentacles together for the lovely Missy Kissinger!"
Throughout the city, everyone listening to the radio is seized by a sudden and inexplicable urge to applaud.
"How are you doing tonight, Miss Missy?"
Missy took on a smoother voice then her usual bubbly charm. "Thank you soo much for having me on the Voice of Versailles. I'm a fan so I'm really excited to be here to night. How about yourself?"
"Drifting aimlessly through the void as per usual, Miss Missy, thank you for asking. So, I hear you're a bit of an artist. Tell us about that.
Missy gave a small chuckle at his answer, before responding to his accusation. "Anyone could be an artist really. I've toured with an orchestra...I paint from time to time....and in Los Angeles I had my art parties. I'm sure that's what you're talking about. I've actually decided to hang up the hat on that chapter o my life. I think it's about time to look for a new hobby. Rolling around in cake and calling it art gets kind of dull."
"How interesting. As a person who may or may not have a mouth, I can't comment on the appeal of rolling around in processed sugars and wheat by-products...but I have heard that your art often involved, shall we say, an audio component? Care to share with us a sample of your previous works, Missy-Who-Was-Formerly-Known-As-An-Artist?"
The woman giggled to the part where he mentioned he may or may not have a mouth. "Wow. I toured with the New York Orchestra as well. But for the parties I tended to make mixes and original tracks. I have an original single on my phone that I made for the Gore on the Dance Floor party I canceled. You really did your research on this one. I keep my musical hobbies fairly hushed. I don't release tracks, they were something strictly for atmosphere."
With that the woman was able to plug in her phone to the digital output, to play a decent clip of her music.
"The Party was supposed to be shortly after Halloween and I wanted to do something very different."
"Charming! So, you mentioned you were in need of a new hobby. What have you been considering? The sport of werewolf hunting seems to be gaining popularity recently. Necromancy, of course, is always a solid choice, fun for the whole family. Yò̬͙̹u̷̞̳ ̖̣̼̯̮c̡̪̝o̖͞u͎̻͈̮̤̹l̳̮̯̜ͅd̮ ̴̹̞̻̙a͡l̳̩s̙̜͓o̝͟ͅ b̘̯e̕c̺̟̤͢om̴̖̻͉͕̱͍͓e̼̪͍͉͇̝̥̕ ̷͙̖͇a͉͓̼̪ ̴r̪̪a̙͇̤͓͙͇d̴̟̩i͎̤̞͍̖̭̰o̜̗̻̻͕͝ ͙̝̼̞͝i͔̭̺͇͇n͓t̙̯̣͕e̢r̴̼͈̳̞n͠.̫̬͚̜"
She grinned. "As exciting as that is, I've met a rather nice werewolf once. And family fun was never my forte..... I've recently taken a job as a diplomat for a cyber security company that requires me to travel....if a radio could tolerate 3-4 day trips every so often or working from overseas sometimes, it would be a great job for me."
"What fun. Unfortunately, Station Management's tentacles are not long enough to reach across continents, so they will probably decline to accept your soul into eternal servitude. Now, if you'll indulge my insatiable urge to gossip... Your love of the color pink is one of your defining traits, but I've heard rumors that you've recently been developing a taste for blue. Any comments?"
Missy was definitely thrown off by this one. "Oooooh you've been stalking around the girls locker room. That one is.. um.... yes. Yes I like a certain bassist with blue hair....buuuut..... I don't think the feelings are reciprocated so we will more than likely remain friends. Missy is still single, don't let me break your beating or lifeless hearts." She chuckled a tad.
"How unfortunate! You would have made a nice matched set - like cotton candy. (My eyes, ears, and voice are everywhere, my dear.) Well, if you need any help with the rebound, it may interest you to know that we still do personal ads here at 00.5 VoV. It's a simple process, and it hardly costs you any soul at all. It's a shame more people don't take advantage of it."
Missy gave a nervous laugh. "I think so too...." She said. "No....I'm not focusing on relationships. I just want to focus on my blog, (#MissyKissy) my work, my etsy store, my friends, and just making my new life. Starting soon, I'll be issuing challenges to local musicians and artists. The challenge purpose is to create new singles with two artists with completely different sounds to try and come up with a fresh sounding track. It should be fun."
It certainly should. I'm sure some of my dear listeners would be interested in participating. Perhaps I'll feature one of these new singles in the weather! So, is there anything else you'd like to say to the good people of New Versailles this evening? Any other projects you'd like to plug?
"Yes! If you have a company and need cyber security make sure you check out Phalynx, best in the business. Make sure to check out Ferry Cross the Mersey, they're keeping the punk sound pure. Keep updated on my blogs just in case I decide to have one of my Art Parties here in New Versailles, and keep listening to this guy. I love Voice of Versailles, thank you so much for having me." With that, she blew a kiss into the mic.
"Thank you, Miss Missy. It's been nice having you on the show. I hope you have a nice rest of your night. Try not to dig up any more zombies, eh?"
"And now, the weather."
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{ OOC Note - Hiatus } November 11th 2015, 4:51 am
Once I finish up the last few things I have scheduled, VoV is going to go on hiatus for a bit while I focus on my other characters.
ICly, the broadcast still runs 24/7, so feel free to say your character is listening to the show, or heard about something from VoV - I'm just taking a break from writing it out. -
Good job not dying! Keep it up! November 8th 2015, 9:46 am
Listeners, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very special announcement. A certain very dear listener is celebrating her birthday today! Congratulations on surviving the horrors of the physical plane for yet another year, sweet Iza. May you enjoy many more long years before the void consumes you, and/or you transcend mortality entirely and become a living god.
And now, the weather. -
A 'Deer' Listener November 7th 2015, 8:26 am
"Well, dear listeners, it's another slow news day here at the station. You know what that means! That's right - we get to have a very special guest on the show this evening! Graceful lord of the dance floor by day, majestic prince of the forest by night, let's all give a warm welcome to one of our fair city's newest arrivals, Mr. Erik Tsvetnov! Dobry vecher, my friend! Or, as they say in the cervine world, [horrible screeching noises.] Did I pronounce that right? My elk is a bit rusty."
The call had come unexpectedly on his evening walk, and seeing the unknown caller ID, he had been reluctant to answer, but he did. Erik slowed to a stop as he put his ear to the phone and listened to an... introduction, of sorts? He nearly fumbled the phone out of his hands at the screeching noise, bringing the phone away to stare at it as he rubbed his ear, then replacing it."Y--yes.. I am Erik," he confirmed, a Russian accent thick as molasses.
"Yes, you are! And I'm The Voice of Versailles. Pleased to meet you. Our conversation is currently being broadcast live on 00.5 VoV. Anyway, I'll get straight to the 'point' - we wouldn't want to 'rack' up too many minutes on that pay-as-you-go phone of yours! So, how are you finding New Versailles? Is the dance floor treating you well? Is the grass satisfactory?"
"Voice of... you are speaker of city?" His brow furrowed, pulling his phone away from his face again to stare at it. How the hell was he getting a radio station on here? He didn't even get texts. When he heard the word dance, however, he was quick to tune back in. "I have not yet to dance here. I am hoping to find studio so I can. City is very pretty, but... strange. And the... the grass?"
"Da! That's me! And oh, deer, that's no good at all. A man of your talent should not be sitting idle. If you do end up finding a venue, be sure to let me know. I'm sure the public would love to see a performance. So, have you been enjoying hoofing it around the local forests? Have you encountered any predators? Our community's werewolves have been extra frisky lately."
Erik had started to slowly begin walking again, brow constantly furrowed against the strange yet pleasant voice over his cheap phone. "Yes, I hope too soon to find place to dance. H--hoofing?" There's a sound like Erik might have tripped over something while he walks, the Russian suddenly realizing what the person on the other line is talking about. "How you know this? You know of my shape changing?" he asks in a hushed voice. "Mother says.. watch for hunters, so I do. Werewolves?" He hadn't considered that.
I know lots of things. L̴̎ͪ͒ͬͩͨ̍ ̛̈́̈́̌o͢ ̑͋̒tͤ ͧ̀sͯ̏̓̊ ̵͂̊̊̓̚ǒ̽͊̍ ͩͭ̋͌̒̆́fͭͫ͑ ̸ t̄ͣ͋̈́ͤ̚ ͬ͐ͫ̒h͛͑͆͆ ̌̓ͩ̔̓ì̵ͩ̅̎ͯ̆͒ ̅̅̈́͘n͆ͣͩ̋ ̎ͦ́g ́̔͑͊͛ͯ̄s͊͡.̵̒ͪ̃͋̆̉ And yes, our fair city has one of the largest werewolf populations in the country. I think it's the ley lines. I'd watch out for the hunters too, though. Deer teeth are a valuable currency in some dimensions, you know. So, what brings you here from Mother Russia?
Erik was starting to wonder just who this person was. The way he spoke and his claim to know lots of things made him feel like he was talking to someone in the mob. "Ehh... I come for dancing. We supposed to move to New York, but came here instead, mother not say why. It is hard to find dancing here. People seem more interested in... ehh... other things." There must have been something about this man... person... individual on the line because Erik usually never spoke this much.
Yes, there are lots of interesting things in this city. Like you, for instance! I hear you're a deer sometimes. Tell us about that.
Erik rubbed his forehead nervously, looking around as he walked as if someone might overhear his phone conversation. "Elk, Siberian elk. My father was shape changer, now I shape changer. I go for runs on weekends and evenings."
"Ooh, past tense. Tell me, what gruesome fate did your mother's sweet-hart meet? Don't be shy, give us the scoop."
Erik shook his head as if the man over the voice could see him. "N-no, no, my father is living. My English, not so good. W-why you call me again?" This was such a strange phonecall.
"And here I thought I'd stumbled across a juicy bit of gossip. You should go acquire some more dark secrets so I can have the pleasure of digging them up for my listeners' enjoyment. And this is just a friendly chat, that's all. A friendly chat that's being broadcasted live to thousands of people as we speak. Nothing 'prong' with that, right?"
Thousands of people? "Do you know of dance studios? Is there studio in town? I am... eehhhh... looking for more school to enroll. I am trained ballet dancer from Russia." Might as well plug himself if he was being broadcasted.
"I'm sure one of my dear listeners will be happy to hook you up, tovarish! You really are quite a little charmer. I'm sure they'll all be 'fawning' all over you in no time. So, is there anything else you'd like to say to the good people of New Versailles before we wrap this interview up?"
"H-hook up? Like dating?" And why was he mentioning fawns? "You talk very strangely." Says the man who hardly knew English.
"That's not exactly what I had in mind, but I'm sure there are plenty in the city who wouldn't turn down a slice of fresh venison, literally or metaphorically. Take note, dears and does, he's single! Also, my voice is a national treasure, thank you very much."
"Wha--"
"Oops, too late, time's up. I take you now, listeners, to the weather." -
Radio Broadcast 10/26/2015 October 26th 2015, 9:07 am
(OOC note: short broadcast today because I wanted to quickly get something out before the full moon. If you're waiting on me to post something and you don't see it here, it'll go up in the next broadcast.)
Radio Broadcast 10/26/2015
"...have you considered taking out a better life insurance policy? Why? No reason. Just making conversation.
Good afternoon, listeners, and welcome to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. Just a friendly reminder, listeners, that that special time of month is nearly upon us! The moon will be reaching 100% illumination on the night of October 27th. You know what that means, listeners. That's right - it's time for certain members of our community to prepare for the monthly blood frenzy, while the rest of us bolt our doors and windows and cling to our vain hopes that mere locks will be sufficient to keep the beasts at bay.
If your stash of silver and wolfsbane is running low, now would be a good time to stock up.
And while we're on that subject, listeners, I'm pleased to announce that this month's full moon is going to be extra special! We've got an exciting new event on the community calendar - I've received word that some brave individuals have been hard at work preparing to host werewolf fights! These fights will take place in the bayou, and will be open to any supernatural spectators willing to pay the price of admission. The event organizer accepts payment in the form of precious stones and metals. Admission for werewolves will be both free and involuntary. Lucky dogs!
Speaking of bloodthirst - are you hungry, listeners? Do you want meat? Need meat? Are you desperate to consume the remains of something that was once alive, thereby absorbing its energy for yourself? Can you feel your mouth watering, heart pumping, hands shaking, at the idea of sinking your teeth into warm, wet flesh? If so, you should get yourself down to The Chop Shop, our newly-established local supplier of quality meats both mundane and exotic. Sustain your physical form by feeding it pieces of other creatures' physical forms!
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. This is your daily friendly reminder that, while my ambiguously corporeal body may or may not require food to live, it definitely does require gossip - so don't forget to feed your friendly local radio host. It's for the good of the community.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for ten hours of Arnold Schwarzenegger." -
A Very Special Announcement - 10/21/2015 October 21st 2015, 7:22 pm
A Very Special Announcement - 10/21/2015
Listeners, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very special announcement! A message has just been delivered to the station via glittery fairy mail, informing us that a certain special someone is looking for love! The subject of today's personal ad is a lovely lady of many attractive qualities, including pink hair, a love of photography, and an admirable aptitude for avoiding being eaten by monsters.
This position is open only to men of the supernatural and/or supernaturally aware persuasion. Better luck next time, ladies and/or muggles.
Prospective suitors can apply by attaching a piece of Halloween candy to their dating resume and placing it in their mailbox precisely 13 minutes before midnight.
Disclaimer: 00.5 VoV is not responsible for any trauma, hilarity, or hilaritrauma that may occur as a result of the application process. -
Live On-Air Interview: Brenden Benios 10/19/2015 October 19th 2015, 7:10 am
"Good evening, listeners, and welcome to 00.5 The Voice of Versailles. I'm coming to you live tonight from the truck radio of local hunter Brenden Benios. How are you doing tonight, Brede?"
Well, it looks like he figured out the problem here. The battery was merely disconnected, not..dead. Yet there's this voice spurring from his radio that makes him clutch at his little salt sacks. "Uhm." Marcus never said anything about this, damn. "..Good? Had some bahstahds botch my hunt?"
"How unfortunate. So, as you probably know, there's been a recent uptick in supernatural crime in our fair city as the witching season commences. Do you feel our local hunters will be able keep up with the increased demand for protection from the dark forces of the world?"
Oh god. "Well, you'll have that anywhere..fella, fello. Who am I chit chattin' wid, if you don't mind? I reckon me an' the guys are gonna be able tuh handle it, lotta people in this town though..y'know how it is, kids think vampires are so fuckin' cool..man, I'd love for the general public to see why they get hunted."
"I'm merely a humble radio host, dear listener. Our conversation is currently being broadcast live on 00.5 VoV. But enough about me - let's talk about you! How has business been, lately? Aside from your recent botched hunt, that is."
"Humble.." That's a new word to his ears. He swallowed. "I ain't a big fan of talkin' bout mahself, I'll admit. Business has been awright, met a real nice guy who is also in the business..Kinda cute, uhm, yeah. Business was rough on the blood moon, shit was super crazy. Surprised we didn't get more of a body buildup."
"New Versailles is certainly a resilient little city, isn't it? (Aah, that was a good day for news.) Ahem. So, as a professional, what advice would you give to the average citizen of New Versailles, who would presumably prefer for their blood to remain undrained and/or their soul unconsumed? Do you have any personal safety tips to share?"
"Carry the basics. Holy water. Silver dust. Ground up wolf's bane into a fine powder. Werewolf's gonna breathe that shit in, and boom. Learn how to draw devil traps, that's the first thing I learned. Also learned that spirits can't enter salt rings..uhm, how'd you know this was my car?"
Of course, of course. Such things really ought to be taught in elementary school, right alongside such basic subjects as Weird Spanish and Unmodified Sumerian. And now, in the interest of fair and unbiased reporting, what advice would you give to supernatural residents of the city who might wish to circumvent such protections? (I'm a knowledgeable person.)
"Wear thin clothing. Keep your nails trimmed."
Is that so? Well, you heard it here first, folks. So, Bre- Brenden? Where are you going? Well, I suppose that concludes our interview. Some people have no respect for journalistic integrity.
I take you now, listeners, to the weather." -
Radio Broadcast 10/16/2015 October 16th 2015, 11:48 am
Radio Broadcast 10/16/2015
"...the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. No, not that way. Any way but that way. Actually, that way isn't very good either. Maybe you should just go back inside.
Good afternoon, listeners, and welcome to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. Did you enjoy the recent new moon, listeners? Did you get up to any mischief? It's been an exciting few days for crime, as per usual at this time of month, but things appear to finally be calming down as the darkness recedes and the ever-encroaching void stops threatening to swallow our planet. For now.
As always, listeners, here is your daily reminder that Station Management is still seeking fresh meat to throw into the bottomless, ravenous maw of our internship program. Are you a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young person, literally or metaphorically? Are you fast and fit? Do you think you would be good at running coffee, and/or running away from monsters? If so, please write your credentials down on a sheet of rice paper and feed it to a black goat. Sheep are not an acceptable substitute.
And now for an update on the recent quadruple homicide that occurred in Pembrey Woods. When our station interns arrived on the scene, they discovered a sign hanging on a tree reading "The Watcher". They also took several photos of the crime scene, which are now available on our facebook page for your morbidly curious perusal. However, the investigation was cut short by...oh, dear. Not your best work, Intern France. I think someone might be on "pour espresso into Station Management's thousand toothy mouths" duty for the next few days. (Also, congratulations on your successful escape, Intern Lancing. You may yet survive this internship.)
And while we're on the subject of murders, the body of a local vampire was recently discovered in the woods outside of town - and you won't believe the murder weapon! No garlic or wooden stakes for our mystery murderer - it appears that our fangy friend was chased down and run over by a vehicle of some sort. The victim's canine teeth were subsequently removed, presumably by the killer, whose identity is still unknown. Wow, rude.
In other news, we've just received a report that graves have been disturbed at the local cemetary. Was it a grave robber? A necromancer scavenging for spare parts? Or perhaps just a conscientious citizen doing some preventative maintenance on the good ol' zombie garden? We just don't know. More on this...if there is ever more on this.
And now for a brief public service announcement, listeners: if you are planning to snoop around any of these crime scenes yourself, I would suggest that you go either very well-armed, or very prepared to submit yourself to the sweet embrace of death. Remember, wildlife and/or monsters are often attracted by the smell of carrion. If hunting monsters and/or feeding on carrion was your goal all along, feel free to disregard this message.
Are you cold, listeners? Is the autumn chill getting into your bones? Would you like to warm up, potentially for the remainder of your life? Would you like to die screaming in a fire? If any of these things are true, I'm happy to announce that the
The New Versailles Fire Department is seeking dedicated volunteers to join its ranks! Contact Fire Chief Enise Vasile if interested. NVFD: Facing god and walking backwards into Hell since 1964.
In other news, the station has just received a message - a message delivered via an 'Osprey' combat drone! (A flashy way to respond to a personal ad, for sure. Our mystery gentleman gets points for style.) Contained in the payload bay of the drone was a flash drive with an audio file inside. Let's see what it has to say, shall we?
"Hello. I caught mention of your ad the other night and I finally got up the nerve to respond. I'm a Security Professional, and served for twelve years in the Navy as an operator. So, I guess you could say I've got a nice backside, per your request, at least what's left that I haven't run off after my morning 5k. I'm including my personal and professional contact information, as well as my morning schedule so you can decide when you'd like to meet."
You heard it here first, folks.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. If anyone else wishes to prostrate themselves before my throne of coffee and gossip, you know where to find me.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for eight hours of you becoming increasingly aware of your own heartbeat." -
Radio Broadcast 10/13/2015 October 13th 2015, 3:03 pm
Radio Broadcast 10/13/2015
"...this message has been brought to you by: me. All messages are brought to you by me. Don't forget, you're here forever.
Good afternoon, listeners, and welcome to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. Tonight's astronomical forecast reveals clear skies: mostly void, partially stars. The current moon phase is a waning crescent at 0% illumination. The new moon will be occurring tonight, so if you're planning any sinister rituals that you would prefer to conduct out of sight of the moon's bulbous, probing eye, now would be a good time to stock up on candles and/or polish your knives.
And speaking of knives, listeners, I'd like to take a moment to plug our local blacksmith. Need ritual blades sharpened? Shackles repaired? Silver bullets forged? All that and more is available at Black Ashley's Blacksmithing: custom metalwork done right!
While we're on the subject of shilling, we're still looking to hire new station interns here at 00.5 VoV! If you think you're qualified to fetch coffee and pester dangerous people and/or monsters with probing personal questions, please submit your application by going outside and screaming your credentials into the uncaring void.
On that note, I would like to welcome new intern Suzanne Lancing to the station! I wish her luck, and give her my sincerest hopes that she will last longer than some of our other recent hires.
It has recently come to my attention that some loyal listeners may wish to represent our humble station by swathing their flimsy mortal forms in cheap cotton and eldritch symbolism. So, dear listeners, I am proud to announce that station merch is now available! We have t-shirts, hoodies, coffee mugs, and more. If you wish to purchase one of these items, please go to a dark room, light a sandalwood candle, and burn a two dollar bill to ashes while slowly repeating the name of the item you desire. Or you could just go to our website. The choice is yours.
In other news, I've just received yet another update on those pesky Perdition Park pumpkins! Apparently the pumpkins have now begun exhibiting signs of possession, with several of them allegedly combusting and/or exploding as of last night. Here is a selection from an audio recording collected by one of our interns:
"[static]
...think...stuck around?
[crackling noises]
...n-no it's- ...father...art in heaven...stop it!
...whoa whoa WHOA NOW-
[explosion sound]
[screaming]"
Someone really ought to do something about those things. Who possesses a gourd, anyway?
Breaking news, listeners! I've just received a report of what appears to be a quadruple homicide at the crossroads in Pembrey Woods. The site of the massacre was described as "charred and sulfurous", with four grostesquely warped and mutilated bodies strung up on a wooden frame at the epicenter of what appears to be some sort of explosion. Discovered at the scene of the crime was a note, written in Hebrew, reading: "To all that see, to all that hear, to all that speak, to all that walk. Judgment as come. Your evils will be washed, and your souls condemned, heed, as the books of old come to pass."
Well. Someone is certainly getting into the Halloween spirit. More on this after I send some interns to investigate.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. Want to submit more stories to us? Want to submit your deepest secrets? Want to submit your very soul to the eldritch radio gods? Get in touch. We'll be waiting here.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for more of this." -
Radio Broadcast 10/10/2015 October 10th 2015, 9:25 am
"Video did not kill the radio star. The radio star is right here, alive and well.
Good afternoon, listeners, and welcome to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles.
To start things off, here's your daily reminder that Station Management is still seeking new young talent for our internship program here at the station. If you're willing to accept money, blood, or bags of deer teeth as payment for risking your life for the public's amusement, please fold your resume neatly and place it inside the abdominal cavity of the nearest roadkill you can find. You may want to wear gloves.
In other news, I've just received an update on those mysterious Perdition Pumpkins. Many citizens have opened up their free pumpkins, only to discover that the pumpkins came with free candy and/or bloody innards already inside! These festive treats were presumably placed there by the same mysterious yet generous benefactor who planted the pumpkins in the first place. Sounds like a good deal to me, folks.
So, listeners, if you're interested in free pumpkins, or just want to gorge yourself on sugar and/or viscera, head on down to Perdition Park while supplies last. In fact, I think I'll send a few interns down to pick some up for the station. I, of course, sustain myself entirely on coffee and gossip, but it's always nice to have snacks in the break room for our hard-working staff.
And now for a word from our sponsor:
"[seven minutes of eldritch rumbling]"
Supernatural crime has been on the rise lately, folks, so yesterday we asked our new intern Brittany France to reach out to one of our local hunters, known only as Mussolini, for an interview. He declined to comment on the subject of his work, but we did confirm that he is, in fact, a federal agent - perhaps a member of a vague, yet menacing government agency? The plot thickens. We also learned that he's a musician! Also, he's single, ladies. Check our company facebook page for pictures!
On an unrelated note, I would like to take a moment to congratulate Intern France on her recent "introduction" to the supernatural world. Get it, girl.
And speaking of pictures, listeners, I'm pleased to announce that a local artist has just submitted a portrait of yours truly to the station! I must admit, the likeness is uncanny. I think I'll frame it and put it on my desk.
Listeners, have you considered adopting a dog? Several dogs? Hundreds, perhaps? Have you considered amassing an army of dogs, loyal only to you, and using them to take over the city? Would you like to start a new world order in which all government officials are replaced by dogs? If so, you should know that the local animal shelter is currently waiving adoption fees on all senior dogs, as long as their license and shots are paid for. Get on down there and validate your lonely existence by saving the life of an animal today.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. Need more publicity for your business? Want to entertain me with your life problems? Just want to say hi? Get in contact with us here at 00.5 The Voice of Versailles. Do it. Do it now.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for the sound of a woman reciting a list of numbers in a monotone voice." -
Radio Broadcast 10/9/2015 October 9th 2015, 8:29 am
"...fun fact: turning your car's radio to 00.5 The Voice of Versailles increases the value of your vehicle by up to 10%. This claim has not been evaluated by your insurance company. It's just our opinion.
Good morning, listeners, and welcome to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. Spooky season is upon us, folks, and Halloween and/or Samhain is just around the corner, so don't forget to stock on candy, holy water, and sharp objects for the seasonal festivities. Be safe, and have fun!
Just a reminder, listeners, Station Management is still seeking new blood for our internship program. Our office pentagrams are starting to dry out. If you're interested in applying for a job that is 50% mortal peril and 50% coffee runs, please lean in close to your radio and submit your resume via Mongolian throat singing. You will be judged based on your credentials and performance.
Speaking of judgement, listeners, I would also like to announce that a certain anonymous lovely loyal listener of the female persuasion is seeking companionship. If you're a monogamous young gentleman with a cute butt and a nice voice, please submit your resume to 00.5 via trained bird of prey. Easily breakable femurs are not required, but a corporeal physical form is. Your credentials will be forwarded to the lovely lady if you are found worthy.
In other news, citizens of New Versailles have reported a young female dressed in a white bikini and tennis shoes fleeing from a local bathhouse with a naked male in hot pursuit. They disappeared into an alley and were not heard from or seen again on the streets. Curious onlookers speculated as to what had gone on and if the girl was alright, but bystander apathy prevented them from offering assistance.
We've just received an update on the recent kidnapping of Brittany France. Apparently her kidnapper healed her with "some sort of magic mud" and then released her, but was nevertheless "a bit of a dick". The identity and whereabouts of this kidnapper are still a mystery.
On an unrelated note, we here at 00.5 would like to welcome Ms. Brittany France to our rotating cast of expendable station interns! Her photography skills will certainly be an asset to us, and we look forward to posting a wide variety of incriminating photos to our company facebook page. Glad to have you on the team, Intern France, and good luck. You will need it.
Have you had breakfast yet, listener? Are you hungry? Starving? Is there a howling void where your abdominal cavity used to be? Then come on down to Flap-Jacked Mobile Breakfast: Breakfast wherever you need! Serving all of your favorite breakfast classics such as: Breakfast burritos, breakfast corndogs, pancake puppies, muffins, breakfast sammiches, and more! Look for the plaid truck by a corner near you.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. Want me to shill for your business? Want to make slow news days less slow? Let's have a chat. Don't call us. We'll call you.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for the sound of rain falling on the roof of an abandoned warehouse." -
Radio Broadcast 10/8/2015 p2 October 8th 2015, 11:04 am
"[sounds of coffee slurping] Hm? Is this thing on? Ahem.
Good afternoon, listeners, and welcome to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. It's been a busy week for crime, folks, so I would like to take a moment to remind all of my listeners to check up on their household salt circles and/or runes of warding. Remember, they should be refreshed at least once a month. You can never be too careful at this time of year!
First off, listeners, the wanted criminal known only as "Warren" is still at large. Also, human blood is still at a premium on the black market, as per usual in October. They don't call it the season of the witch for nothing! If you see him, listeners, I encourage you to report him to the police and reap the moral rewards, or harvest him and reap the financial rewards. The choice is yours.
While we're on the subject of harvesting, I'm also receiving reports that recently there has been a slow rise of infants passing away in their sleep in the suburbs of New Versailles. Parents of the children have reported seeing a large black dog the size of a pony in their dreams the nights of the incidents. Now, I have nothing against those whose biology requires them to consume souls and/or life force to live, but even I would have to consider these incidents to be outside the bounds of morality and good taste. Shame on you, whoever you are, preying on helpless children when New Versailles has so many perfectly nice prisons and homeless shelters to choose from.
In other news, there's a new hunter in town, folks. I'm told he's a werebeast specialist who works for an undisclosed government department. Seems legit! If you're looking for someone to help you deal with lycanthropy-related problems, just follow the sound of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle. If you're a were-something who would not enjoy having your hide riddled with bullets, stay on your toes.
Speaking of lycanthropy and new arrivals, a scientist has just set up shop in New Versailles. He's researching a cure for lycanthropy, and he's looking to hire interns for his new state-of-the-art research facility. I'm sure he'll have no trouble finding people to do his bidding. As we all know, scientists are universally attractive and desirable people.
Listeners, I've just received an update on the unidentified chainsaw-wielding criminal from last evening's report. Apparently the man has now kidnapped a local woman named
Brittany France, who has not been seen since. Once again, I encourage any listeners who might know the location and/or identity of the suspect to dial the crime line and/or grab a weapon and do their civic duty as a good citizen of our fair city.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. Want to advertise a business? Want to share a story? Justify my job and feed my insatiable thirst for gossip by contacting us here at 00.5 The Voice of Versailles. If you can't find our contact information, you're not trying hard enough.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for the sound of your own lungs pushing air in and out of your body." -
Radio Broadcast 10/8/2015 October 8th 2015, 5:46 am
"...reality is an illusion. The universe is a hologram. Buy gold.
Good morning, listeners, and welcome to 00.5, The Voice of Versailles. Before I start, I would like to take a moment to thank you, dear listeners, for the warm reception my last broadcast received. I'm no Cecil Palmer, but I do try my best, and I'm so happy to be providing you with a valuable public service and/or shouting uselessly into the void for your amusement.
Ahem. Anyway. Just a reminder, listeners, that station management is still seeking fresh-faced applicants for our internship program! If you're interested in risking life and limb in search of anecdotes for me to entertain the public with, please fold your resume into a paper airplane, go outside, and throw it as hard as you can into the merciless autumn winds. We'll find it.
In other news, a local convenience store was robbed last night. The only items stolen were a bottle of cooking oil and a bottle of white vinegar. Supernatural involvement is suspected. When I reached out to the only known witness for additional information, his response was "was big weerd skiny ummmmm scary".
Be safe out there, listeners.
The season of the witch is upon us, dear listeners, and New Versailles' Fall festivities are in full swing.
CreepFest, our local haunted maze event, is open for business. It's open Thursday through Sunday, 6:00 PM to 1:30 AM, and will be running until November 1st. It's a great destination for spooky Fall fun, so come on down and enjoy some fake horror to distract yourself from the real horror that is existence.
While we're on the subject of spookiness, a strange-looking dog has recently been spotted wandering the city. When one of our interns approached him for an interview, he was very friendly, and asked us to "spread the word". Is he trying to become the next big meme? Such doge! Well, all of us here at The Voice of Versailles wish Fido luck on his quest for fame and fortune.
In other Halloween-related news, apparently the mysterious Perdition Pumpkins aren't as harmless as we first assumed! In the past few hours we've received multiple reports of small pumpkins falling from the sky, striking and/or startling New Versailles citizens. Gourd grief!
Just a reminder, listeners, pies are buy one get one free at Kathy's Diner, and you can also get two Monster(TM) energy drinks for four dollars at Bruno's! Gorge yourself on sugar and caffeine until your soul vibrates at a frequency that transcends your flimsy mortal form!
And now for a brief public service announcement: don't rely on garlic to keep vampires away. Instead, achieve inner peace by embracing the inevitability of death. This message has been brought to you by an anonymous sponsor.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and stories to this humble show. Everyone else: have a juicy piece of gossip to share? Want to make someone's personal business everyone's business? Just contact us here at 00.5 The Voice of Versailles. We're on all of the social media. All of it. Yes, even that one.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for a transcription of every single thing you've ever forgotten, listed in chronological order." -
Broadcast 10/7/2015 October 7th 2015, 9:52 am
"...the swamp has secrets. Many secrets. But it's really none of your business, now, is it? No need to pry. You wouldn't want to be rude.
Good evening, listeners, and welcome to 00.5 The Voice of Versailles. We're a bit unseasonably warm tonight, partly muggy with a chance of bugs, with a low around 70. The current moon phase is a waning crescent with 25% illumination - a nice round percentage! Any rituals or spells with a lunar component should be completed no later than 3pm, the estimated time of moonset.
Please make note, listeners, that this month's full moon will be occurring on October 27th. Plan your schedules accordingly!
Another reminder, listeners, that station management is currently looking to hire some new interns! The job mostly pays in experience, both of the resume and near-death variety. If you're a plucky young person interested in risking your life for minimum wage, please fold your resume neatly and place it underneath your radio and/or inside of any of its available compartments, such as a CD tray, and your application will be processed shortly.
In other news, the police are on the lookout for a man named Warren, wanted on charges of stalking and assault. Anyone with any knowledge of this person's location is encouraged to call the crime line and/or take matters into their own hands.
Today's local crime report also includes news that a man wearing a potato sack and wielding a chainsaw has been openly threatening passerby as well as pumpkins in Downtown. He was last spotted fleeing in an old car. No further news on this person's identity or whereabouts.
(As always, I would like to remind listeners that human blood and viscera are valuable commodities to practitioners of certain dark arts, and trouble-making out-of-towners are, of course, fair game. Happy hunting!)
On a lighter note, Haymarket Cafe is currently offering donuts and hot cider. It's the perfect fall treat, and I encourage all listeners to go enjoy some delicious seasonal flavors. Remember, it won't be long before the time of pumpkin spice ends and the peppermint empire rises - so get down there and distract yourself from your awareness of the passing of time and the inevitable approach of death!
In other Fall-related news, free pumpkins are still available in the Perdition Park Pumpkin Patch, where they appeared overnight just a few days ago and have apparently been growing wild ever since. No word on what magical properties these mysterious gourds might possess. They're probably safe. I mean, they're pumpkins, what's the worst that could happen, right?
Spooky season continues with further supernatural news - we've just recently received word of a new creature wandering into town. It appears to be some variety of undead beast - one of our specialist consultants identified it more specifically as a hide-bound bone golem. When we reached out to the creature for further comment, this is what it had to say for itself:
"[Sound of teeth chattering noises.]"
You heard it here first, folks.
And now, the weather.
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Welcome back, listeners. Once again, I would like to thank everyone who has submitted news, advertisements, and local gossip to this humble show. Remember, anyone with a story to share is encouraged to get in contact with us via phone, facebook, twitter, carrier pigeon, or astral projection.
As always, listeners, you are the eyes and ears. I am The Voice.
Stay tuned next for ten hours of rising shepard tone.
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